10 things nobody tells you

"Helping" make Brownies

When you are expecting, whether through adoption or the biological way, people like telling you how much your life will change once you have a child. To them I say "duh" of course my life will change- early mornings, waking in the middle of the night, no more late night parties or strange food on the dinner plate. Those are the things I expected. Here are a few no one warns you about:
1-You talk about poop all the time. Did he go today? Color, consistency? I've never talked about poop so much in my life.
2-Your mindset of being able to locate things in the store pales in comparison to being able to locate a BATHROOM in the store. As you venture away from it, it's like a tiny alarm in your child's bladder activates. As soon as you are, geographically speaking, at the furthest point away from said bathroom, the alarm sounds. Emergency! You have 15 seconds to find a toilet or we'll know the true meaning of "cleanup on aisle 6"
3- Clothes that modestly covered my bosom are now dangerously low cut due to the fact someone is always hanging off of them. In all my pictures, I look like I am auditioning for the next big Vegas show. The only acceptable cut of shirt with a toddler is a turtleneck.
4- Likewise, the only acceptable color of clothing is grey, brown, or other "army colors". Black shows boogers and yogurt. White? Fa-get-a-bout-it.
5- When they "help" it takes you 10 times longer than doing it yourself with a bigger mess to clean up at the end. See attached photo.
6- They only wake up at the crack of dawn on days you don't have anywhere to go. On days you have to be somewhere in the morning, it's like waking the dead.
7-No more casually browsing for anything. You start to shop online. A lot. The UPS guy probably thinks I am a recluse.
8- People start telling you "Ohhh...you look so tired" At first, you wear it like a badge of honor. Then it starts to wear on your self esteem. After that stage it makes you mean. Response: "Ooohhh.....and you're looking old". The thing is you are tired, all the time. Not only physically, but mentally too. Having a toddler is the ultimate test of multitasking. If you don't bring your A-Game every waking moment of the day, you will find yourself with a missing child, a HUGE mess, or a complete and total meltdown (from him or me). This would make anyone tired, then you add in 5 hours of sleep and looking tired is a given.
9- You forget things. Like simple words. It's like all your good thoughts have been taken and you're left with a brain full of mush. You start using "filler" words a lot like "uuuhhhh" and "you know....." People's names. Forget about it. I saw someone I used to work with at the grocery store. It took me 30 seconds to realize where I knew this person from. I'm still trying to remember her name. P.S.- I worked with her for close to 5 years. Oi.
10- Kids have no working gauges. Meaning....it's 108 degrees outside, sweat is pouring off of both of us and he is begging to stay outside. Likewise, there is no "warm up" to hunger. Ask at 12:05 if he's hungry and the answer is "not yet" (His new favorite phrase) but at 12:10 he wants to eat....NOW! Same applies for pottying (see no. 2)

All that being said, motherhood is more wonderful than anyone even begun to tell me. It is such an amazing gift to have this little person in your life that loves and adores you. The simplest joy is listening to him laugh or the way he lavishes his affection on me with his sweet kisses and hugs. On your worst day, you  look at this precious little person and your heart just melts. Then he throws some food at you and you snap out of it.