Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Just the messenger.....

Whenever I talk with Chad's mom on the phone, our conversation starts out all nice and fluffy and ends up in a deep philosophical conversation, lately about the adoption and God's plan throughout this valley of waiting. I spoke with her for about two hours always uplifts my spirits and restores my hope. It's nice to have someone in your life like that....She has always given me guidance and reassurance, but lately it has been all about what I feel to be my shaky faith. (She assures me I have done just fine, but I think she might be a little bias) One of the points we discussed:
I may not have told you this but it has been so important to me to continue this blog throughout the uncertainty that has swirled around us this summer. It is so important to me to show you that I serve a BIG God and I am fully relying on him to see us through this arduous journey. On July 1st I had my blog post ready to go, it was titled "vacation" I was taking an indefinite vacation from blog-land. I was giving up. I was tired of putting on a happy face and trying my best to refrain from a post solely filled with four letter words. I was ready to hit send, telling you all goodbye, when God stopped me dead in my tracks. "Who do you want to get the victory?" Plain as day. -If you quit, if you throw up your hands in disgust, who gets the victory? So I deleted it and wrote this instead. Praying for just a "Small break", something to restore a smidgen of my hope. The next day we received word that our region had begun to thaw and accept new dossiers, a sign that things were perhaps, starting to go back to back to normal.
God answers prayers.
This summer has been one of the most difficult time in my life. I have had moments of anger and bitterness. My normally peaceful spirit has felt as if it had been ripped from my body, tossed in the washing machine with boiling hot water and bleach thrown on it and sloshed around on the spin cycle. But in it all I hope you have been able to see past my faults (boy do I have a lot of them, that could be a whole separate post) and see my heart. And WHO my heart belongs to. When we do get to bring our boy home (and we will) I want you to see God's hand print all over this process. I want you to look beyond me and my restlessness and sometimes ill-tempered attitude and see God. I hope that I have been a good representative for you of his grace and steadfast love. When Charlie, Chad and I step off that airplane after this incredible journey, I want God to have that victory, not anybody else. It's His, I am just the messenger.


  1. It is a very difficult road to be on. We waited 4 months for a court date and 2 years later I am still frustrated by it. Our daughter was so little for Trip 1, and so different for court. But it is what it is, and she was the one who really had the struggle during the wait. I hope you get a court date soon. I remember crying and crying during church because I just couldn't take it anymore. (Oh no, never let go) was a real hard one to take! :) Wishing you all the best -


  2. I have had a downhill journey thus far. Each time pickin myself up and started again. It does wear on you but through prayer God has given us the strength to go on and nost importantly has given us a diffrent attitude about everything.It is still difficult at times to be adopting from Russia but with help from God the impossible if it his will can become very possible.
    God Bless,

  3. it must be difficult to know your baby is so far and you want to go and scoop him up..i have seen the lovely pics of his room etc please just consentrate on getting his stuff ready and shopping itll take the stress away..try makeing a quilt with your mom bigg huggs..

  4. I'm praying for you during this difficult time. Waiting to bring your child home forever was one of the most difficult times for me as well. God is in control and does answer prayers but the waiting is sometimes unbearable. I can't wait to read your blog when you tell us that you have a court date. I'm praying that will be very soon!

  5. Amen! God knows EXACTLY why, even when we don't, or we try to and we are completely off base. Rest in the fact that, while it's hard, there's no other time-line we'd want to be on than His! :o)

  6. Oh my sweet daughter....I know that it hurts your heart to wait for your son & my heart breaks for you. I wish I could fix it all, but like you, everything is out of our control and in HIS. I enjoy your blogs so much because I feel a little more connected to your journey & I can be a small part of the wonderful beginning of your life into parenthood and Charlie's story. I know your heart, but HE knows it better. Keep the faith, this will all be a distant memory when the little man comes home! I LOVE YOU!!

  7. Well said Sarah. This process, can take the wind out of your sails. I find your post very honest, I to have had my faith tested. All I know is that for me, I need to get to a place of pain, to finally let god grab the wheel from me. I am so happy that you decided to continue your blog. You give alot of people hope!!!!

  8. I just heard someone speak about John 16:14 and how the Holy Spirit's job is to glorify Jesus, so that should be our job. I cannot imagine how your summer of waiting has been and I hope I never have to walk through that valley, but it is so nice to hear about you putting actions to your faith. Thanks for the encouragement!

  9. Oh do I feel your pain! The court date wait is horrible!!!! Ours was 6 months! I hope and pray you find ways to make it through the wait! Your words, "I have had moments of anger and bitterness. My normally peaceful spirit has felt as if it had been ripped from my body, tossed in the washing machine with boiling hot water and bleach thrown on it and sloshed around on the spin cycle" describe EXACTLY how I felt. I had so much anger it scared me at times. It was such a horrible out of control feeling. Again, I feel your pain.
    Hang in there, it will happen!