Caution...Serious rambling ahead.

When we found out in June we didn't make it in time to catch the Judge before her vacation, in my mind I was clinging to the thought that I just needed to make it to August. August was my great white hope. July 31st was like Christmas Eve, in the morning I would wake to find gifts and treasures untold. August. By then the agreement would be signed, the Judge would return to her post rested and relaxed, the thousands of prayers sent up would somehow soften her heart to us and our little boy waiting for his mama and papa.
August 2nd did not go so well. I thought to myself, ok.....I'm flexible, Rome wasn't built in a day, blah, blah, blah. I need to be patient. (Shouldn't I be an expert in that department by now?) I thought about my desk when I return from vacation, its a mess. I need to give it a few days. Tuesday brought odd e-mails. Wednesday, Thursday, SILENCE. And Friday, our hopes of "August" were gone. News that until an agreement is signed the Judge will not finalize American adoption cases. The small amount of hope I was clinging to was crushed. It's an impossible to describe what we were feeling on Friday. Friday was a very bad day.
In response to my previous post I was inundated with e-mails. I tried most of your suggestions. Before I even wrote that post I e-mailed the Secretary of States office and the embassy. I had spoken with them before when news first broke of Torry Hansen sending her son back. They have asked me to continue to update them as our situation changed (or not), so on Friday I just continued on our correspondence. "Hi we are still stuck, signed anything yet?" Last time they wrote me back immediately and even called me at work to get some more details. This time, silence. I still haven't heard anything from them. In April I contacted all of our congressmen and senators and three contacted me personally. I don't know that any progress with that was made, but it did make me feel better to know that people in a position of power know that Ms. Hansen's actions have had a profound effect on real people. That we have a real son that sits everyday in a real orphanage waiting for his real mama and papa. They gave me an emergency cell phone number to a SOS employee. I decided I will give them a week before call some poor unsuspecting intern and bombard her with information while demanding answers.
I have been given a few email addresses for some adoption gurus. I have wrote them.
I have posted on yahoo message boards and adoption support groups. I have facebooked and used your "friend of friend" contacts. I spent the majority of Saturday and Sunday responding to emails and message boards. I am sorry if I haven't written you back personally, there were ALOT of emails.
And all roads lead to this conclusion= we wait. This decision is out of our hands. There is nothing we can do, nothing our government can do, The only thing left to do is wait and pray.
We have been told that our Judge is attending a conference or training of some sorts in September in Moscow. Our agency said the beginning of September, someone on the "inside" says the 20th. The Judge would like to resume court if she can obtain reassurance in Moscow on the way to proceed. But will it matter if an agreement is not signed? We just don't know. I hate the thought of putting our hope into another little "hope basket" for September as we did for August.
So it's like this: We know by some of your emails that there are a lot of people in worse situations than we are. (I know, can you believe it?) It has opened my eyes to the widespread devastation that this situation has caused. I think my perspective was focused on the families that "made it out" before the bottom fell out. "Why couldn't have we gotten a referral a month earlier?" "I wish our home study would have been finished a month earlier" I think for those of us that didn't "make it out" we feel like sad isolated "woulda, coulda, shouldas". Instead, I wish that we would bind together and pull each other through.
We know that we need your prayers and your support.
 We know that this story will have a positive outcome. Eventually, we'll get a call and all will be right with the world. Until then, we wait and we pray.

Just the messenger.....

Whenever I talk with Chad's mom on the phone, our conversation starts out all nice and fluffy and ends up in a deep philosophical conversation, lately about the adoption and God's plan throughout this valley of waiting. I spoke with her for about two hours tonight....it always uplifts my spirits and restores my hope. It's nice to have someone in your life like that....She has always given me guidance and reassurance, but lately it has been all about what I feel to be my shaky faith. (She assures me I have done just fine, but I think she might be a little bias) One of the points we discussed:
I may not have told you this but it has been so important to me to continue this blog throughout the uncertainty that has swirled around us this summer. It is so important to me to show you that I serve a BIG God and I am fully relying on him to see us through this arduous journey. On July 1st I had my blog post ready to go, it was titled "vacation" I was taking an indefinite vacation from blog-land. I was giving up. I was tired of putting on a happy face and trying my best to refrain from a post solely filled with four letter words. I was ready to hit send, telling you all goodbye, when God stopped me dead in my tracks. "Who do you want to get the victory?" Plain as day. -If you quit, if you throw up your hands in disgust, who gets the victory? So I deleted it and wrote this instead. Praying for just a "Small break", something to restore a smidgen of my hope. The next day we received word that our region had begun to thaw and accept new dossiers, a sign that things were perhaps, starting to go back to back to normal.
God answers prayers.
This summer has been one of the most difficult time in my life. I have had moments of anger and bitterness. My normally peaceful spirit has felt as if it had been ripped from my body, tossed in the washing machine with boiling hot water and bleach thrown on it and sloshed around on the spin cycle. But in it all I hope you have been able to see past my faults (boy do I have a lot of them, that could be a whole separate post) and see my heart. And WHO my heart belongs to. When we do get to bring our boy home (and we will) I want you to see God's hand print all over this process. I want you to look beyond me and my restlessness and sometimes ill-tempered attitude and see God. I hope that I have been a good representative for you of his grace and steadfast love. When Charlie, Chad and I step off that airplane after this incredible journey, I want God to have that victory, not anybody else. It's His, I am just the messenger.

Top of the pile.....

Please say a prayer for us as things start moving again in Russia following the winter break. It’s my understanding that by January 15th things should be in full operation again. Our motto has been “Top of the pile” meaning that whatever crazy system is in place that we don’t understand, we are hoping that when things start moving again our paperwork is on the top of the pile. I didn’t think we would be in danger of things expiring before we got Baby Deetz home, but our window is starting to narrow. Chad’s passport expires in December, which is like it expiring in June since it has to be good within six months. When we started this process December 2010 seemed like an eternity away. Other documents will start to expire in early Summer as well.

Some good news: We’ve started to receive “overage” checks from our agency. That means that when you give towards our family builder’s fund through C.W.A. it’s still tax deductible for you, but the money is sent directly to our personal savings fund for the adoption. That way we can offset the huge travel expense (times 2) that is looming in the hopefully near future. When I get a check for $25 I think “That’s a meal in Russia!” When we get $100, I think “That’s a night in a hotel!”. I am so thankful for your generous gifts. You have been so good to us. Those little amounts are chipping away at such an unknown source of stress for us. “How much will all these flights, trains, hotels, visas, tips, and food cost?”

We’ve also been collecting little gifties for the orphans and workers so that’s one less thing I have to worry about when we go. I’ve had a few offers from church groups to fill couple of suitcases full of baby clothes, shoes, and tiny toys for the children and small feminine items for the workers (perfume, jewelry, scarves, make-up) to take with us. I would rather bring less clothes for me to bring more things for them! When we make our first trip we will just need to give $250 in financial aid to the orphanage, but I would like to also take as much stuff as possible when we go too, especially for the children. Then on the second trip, I guess is suppose to be our big “gift” trip~ bringing things for the workers.

So, here we are. Please say a little prayer for us this week. Repeat after me: “Top of the pile…..Top of the pile…..”

Most exciting news of the day:

I bought a pair of snow boots online for our hopefully soon travel to Russia (and cold South Carolina weather). Yes, it’s been a slow day. They will arrive by November 5th. I don’t think we are in any danger of getting a call before then.

Thanks for the birthday gift card Heidi!

We received a “Russian families” update, warning us once again that things come to a grinding halt mid-December through mid-January. We also received word that the Judge in Pskov takes off the month of November. Wow. That leaves us with a very small window of opportunity, doesn’t it? My prediction is that they expedite things for us and we get a referral in November or they ice us and it’s February-early Spring before we get a referral. That’s just a hunch. Who knows…..

Be Prepared!

Did you know I use to be a Girl Scout? I know that conjures up visions of a darling little uniformed girl selling cookies, I was that kind of Girl Scout, but I was also a not so little Junior, Cadette, and even a “closet” Senior Girl Scout. (As in I was in high school and never told a soul I was a scout!) In my 10 plus years of scouting, I learned practical life skills such as how to build a fire and change a flat tire. I learned skills that I have never used and will hopefully never have to use again, a.k.a. wilderness survival and identifying dangerous flora and fauna. (Do they really think I am going to get close enough to a snake to see which way it’s pupil is slanted? I mean really….) Being a scout taught me important life lessons like perseverance, dedication, and how to make people buy things they really don’t want.
One theme that has been coming up quite a bit lately is to “be prepared” you know the motto of the Girl Scouts? Well it is also the motto of adoption. I feel prepared, kind of. I think the best way to describe it is “I feel prepared because I have no idea what to expect.” It’s kinda like packing for a long trip where you have no idea what the weather is going to be like or how many pairs of underwear you’ll need. But you do know: 1- There only four weather possibilities (perfect weather, rainy weather, Africa hot weather, or Antarctic cold weather and 2- You know you need underwear, so just bring a lot. You can never have too many, right? With that in mind, I’ve been on a lot of trips and have always returned without incident and with relatively clean undergarments.
With the adoption the foundation of preparedness is secure in my mind. Whether real or imagined I think that comes from three basic truths in my life: 1- God will never give me more than I can handle, he will never leave me nor forsake me, 2-Chad and I make a good team. We balance each other out and we can figure stuff out together 3- I know I am not the smartest person, but I am capable. If other people can be good parents, travel to foreign countries to adopt babies, and figure out how to use a rectal thermometer, well then, by golly, I can do it too.
Today, I lined up our doctor that will review our referral upon receipt. He is actually out of Charlotte, has several adopted children himself (two being from Russia) and specializes in International Adoption Pediatrics. He even has a special rate for “Referral Reviews” prior to traveling. Everything is simply faxed over to him and a phone conference is set up for the next day. He also provides “on call” services while traveling abroad. It seems too good to be true. I hope being prepared for this step will make life easier when we receive our referral. I guarantee I will not be operating in my best “Girl Scout” manner when all of a sudden out of the blue all this waiting pays off and we are looking into the eyes of our baby. So in the meantime, I am “being prepared” so that when that day comes I am ready!

Mommy Brain

It’s funny, of all the adjectives I would have used to describe adoption (emotional, stressful, mysterious) distracting would not have been one of those words, until this week. I mean, it’s nothing new that I think of the adoption in my spare time, when my mind drifts, or in keeping my little mental checklist of “things I need to get done”. But I have found myself distracted from everyday tasks. Example:

Last night I was refilling the kitchen soap dispenser. I have a gallon sized jug of soap (Yeah Sams Club!) and I was filling the fairly large sized pump by the sink. Looking back, I honestly can’t remember the last time I filled it. Anyway, I found my thoughts drifting to “I wonder if the next time I fill this if we’ll have a baby in the house?” Needless to say, when I was doing the math in my head “I bet there are 215 “pumps” of soap in this container. If we use one pump of soap everyday for 215 days, that would mean we would have to finalize the adoption by April 7, 2009.” By this time as you can imagine soap was pouring all down the sides and into the basin because that kind of math makes you look up, kinda up into your brain. I don’t know why people do that.
I was driving home from work this week and stopped at light to wait for a turn arrow. I have sat at this light every afternoon for 3 ½ years. I noticed a sign in the median shrubs that said “Spot of Pride: Adopted by Bank of America” Boom. Adopted. My mind launches into an article I recently read about some woman that was infuriated that we use the word “adopted” to describe it when people “adopt pets” or sponsor a highway garden. I personally don’t mind the usage of the word; I think if I were adopted I won’t be offended if I came across that sign. But to each their own. When you use a word to describe something sacred (i.e.: adopting a child) I can see where some people would get bent out of shape when you use it in causal language (i.e.: I want to save the earth, I am going to adopt a highway) BEEEEP…. “Hey lady move your car! The light’s green!” a man behind me shouted.
Last week I got into the elevator at work, thinking about why kids love to press the buttons on elevators so much. I was thinking about Baby Deetz being tall enough to press the buttons someday. When I realized- I hadn’t pressed the button! I was just standing in there. Waiting for nothing! Earth to me. My friend Carol says I already have “Mommy brain” and it doesn’t ever go away. After you know your child is coming (either by birth or by adoption) it consumes your thoughts in the most peculiar ways.
So if you are talking to me and suddenly see the “glazed donut” look sweep across my face or I bring up our adoption out of the blue in conversation, it’s because adopting, among other adjectives is distracting! It is also all-consuming, wild and crazy, intimidating, empowering, overwhelming, and joyous. And I'm just along for the ride.
P.S.- My spell check has disappeared. Sorry if this is choc' full o' errors!

Waiting....

I came across an article in Adoptive Parents magazine about a mother waiting for her daughter from China. Currently, she had been waiting 18 months, but in the beginning of the process, she was very strict about not making any purchases for “the baby”. Then she was at her alma mater and she bought her a college themed picture book. Well, that started a fury of purchases that would leave her feeling angry at herself for not waiting longer to start buying things.
I obviously do not have that problem. Sometimes the things I buy seem impractical I think, “What if they are too big for this baby swing?” But then the eBay diva kicks right in and says, “Sarah you paid like 25% of retail for this, you can sell it and make your money back plus $10. If it works GREAT, if not- no big deal!” I think of the Consignment Sales at the church and think I would be wasting money if I didn’t get this at such a great deal! I can always re-consign…..
Anyway- I digress…. Someone wrote a comment that basically said “No, no, it’s perfectly normal and it’s your way of preparing for your child to come home!” An interesting idea came up of “Waiting v. Preparation”. Waiting isn’t so bad if you think of it as preparing. Christmas Day wouldn’t be nearly as joyous if you woke up one day and someone said- “Hey- It’s Christmas” You would miss the Christmas Hot Dog (Special Ed Department at our church puts on a play every year and the night before the families and staff are invited to the rehearsal dinner where, you guessed it, hot dogs are served!) You would miss the weather turning cold, the trimming of the trees, the parties, the gift exchanges, the cookies being made, the family and friends you get to see, the 24 hour a day Christmas music on the radio, the candle light service on Christmas Eve. Christmas would be just another day. It wouldn’t be special at all. There is something to be said about the excitement of anticipation.
When is the last time you really prepared for something big and important? Something that would change your life forever? Moving to another state? For your wedding? For a make or break contract at work? For a child? I am reminded that as I prepare for Baby Deetz, someone is preparing for me- "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going." – John 14:1-4
I was trying to prepare by learning Russian (fail) and have found that I am better at shopping. I’ll just have to wing it and be silent in a country that doesn’t understand me, and I them. The ABC’s of Russia was also a great preparation for me, because I felt connected to a culture I knew very little about. I think about safety of strollers and car seats. I think about making baby food v. canned food. I think about cloth diapers (that was a very short thought) I think about tiny clothes and shoes and sharp edges on tables. This morning I thought about when we come home from the airport with the baby, how we are going to handle the dogs.
So, I’m not really waiting. I am anticipating and preparing. Sounds better doesn’t it?

October?!?!

It’s October! Can you believe it? I turn 30 in 22 days. Yikes. I don’t feel 30, I think that’s the hardest part. I feel like I just got out of high school a few months ago. Today, just like clockwork the weather has turned undeniably “fall”, I even pilgrimaged upstairs to break into my stash of sweaters! Chad made fun of me when I stopped to take this picture, but the sky was crystal clear, the wind was blowing, and it was just perfect! I felt like I was at the Kissimmee Silver Spurs for the county fair. The only thing I needed was some greasy Italian Sausage and a funnel cake. And a fried apple dumpling. With ice cream.
I know I haven’t been updating as regularly as normal. I will recap about our goings on’s for your reading pleasure:
Every night when I get home I make dozens of cookies and even a few cakes here and there. My home is a virtual bakery. It has turned into a second job, for better or worse. Good I am making extra money, bad I am really tired.
We’ve had $600 more donations made to our CWA account. That is very good news! We are on the home stretch now a little bit more and all we will need are our travel expenses.
We have been lead to believe that things are moving in Pskov. Slowly, but they are moving, so that is an exciting prospect. Stay tuned for more details. Don’t jump the gun, I mean, we’re not like getting a referral as far as we know, but things are moving along for others, so that is a positive no matter how slowly things are moving, right? Any step forward is a step closer.
If you blog hop, you’ll notice that a ton of families have gotten referrals, are traveling, have traveled, are waiting court dates, have brought children home. That is a wonderful thing! A family in our community brought home two little girls from Russia last month. Three people from three separate (unrelated) venues have told me “Did you hear about the so and so family? They finally got their girls!” We continue to celebrate as a community with each child brought home to their “forever families”.
Chad and I recently had a conversation about the “wait” we have found it to be fairly easy. Don’t get me wrong, I wish I knew when we were going and I wish it would be soon, but overall we are content to call this period “preparation” instead of “waiting”. We have been busy (as usual) and I’m sure that helps pass the time quickly. There is so much to be done! Till next time......

Second Place!

I was in the midst of posting a blog full of angst and bitterness. But I erased it. I was feeling a little poopy and sad today. Just feeling like nothing is moving. So many people have asked us lately “Have you heard anything??” and I WANT you to ask us that- don’t get me wrong, I just HATE saying “I don’t know anything”. It would be so much better if I knew what to tell you. Even if we had to wait longer, say into next year, I at least could tell you “It’s going to be Spring of next year” but I can’t say that. I just say to you, “well it could be today, it could be tomorrow, it could be spring of next year!” we just don’t know anything!

On Friday I sent our case manager an e-mail just to confirm that she received the new updated documents (she had) and she threw in a little additional information and since inquiring minds want to know, I present that information to you now for your reading pleasure:

1- We are currently number 2 in line waiting for a “young child” in Pskov. (That is better news than I anticipated, I MEAN SECOND PLACE IS ONLY ONE PLACE AWAY FROM 1ST PLACE!) She said she would let us know when we were #1 on the list.

2- The two families that received referrals from Pskov before us waited 8 months and 4 months for their children. We’ve already been waiting 1 month…..

3- The agency is hoping to receive some more referrals from our region in mid-late September. That means if there is one referral in September, then we would be number 1. If they receive two referrals, then, well, we would be getting a referral.

I know this information is extremely vague and surrounded by a lot of “if’s”. But I think the main thing is to keep hope alive and know that it WILL happen. Everyone’s case is so different, it’s impossible to pinpoint anything exact. Our agency is doing the best they can to give us a time frame, they have no way of knowing either. We want to be excited and think “we could be traveling to Russia in the fall” but in the back of my mind I always think “That's too fast! They won’t call until we’ve given up hope.” Fall would be a miracle. Y’all just keep praying that we are the exception to the rule, since God is in the miracle business, let’s just keep his business alive and well.

On my way home, I passed a church marquee that read “Thank God in advance for His blessings” Tonight, please join with me in giving thanks for bringing Baby Deetz home in His perfect timing. We are praying for a miracle!

Cake Masters!

Here are the pictures from our final night of Course One, the rose night! To the left is my cake, Brittany's is the other yellow rosed one, Michele's is pink. Shani was sick :0(

Every week we've learned a different part of the rose, leading up to this Monday night where we learned how to put the petals on. It was a lot harder than one would think. I think I am the only person of our group of four that is entertaining the thought of taking the next group of courses, level II. The roses almost did me in though....So I'm still thinking about it. The bad thing is that there is no break, the next level of classes starts next Monday night.


After class we had dinner with our dear friends, Mark and Dale, and I was talking with Mark about the adoption, of course, and we were talking about the waiting. We are 5 months into the process, less than a month into the "official" wait with our Dossier in St. Petersburg. I think the key to waiting is to stay as busy as possible and go about life as usual, which for us is 100 miles a minute. I think it's a good thing that when I grocery shop, I count the number of meals we will be eating at home per week, and it usually amounts to three or less. Time honestly flies by. I can't believe the 4th of July is this weekend! Mark brought up a great point. He pointed to his oldest son, who is about 5 years younger than we are, and said "By the time your son/daughter is his age, you won't remember the waiting or whether or not they came in October, November, or February." In the grand scheme of things, a year goes by in the blink of an eye.